I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We are all done wearing pants today
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
