I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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