Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
