The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
