K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
