Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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