is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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