Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Randomize
