seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
