Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
