When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
