im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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