We tried having a conversation with our noses.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
