I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
