I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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