This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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