I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
