Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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