The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
