Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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