would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
