Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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