Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
