I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
