dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
