At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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