Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize