dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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