just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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