I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
