I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
