On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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