Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
