There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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