I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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