Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize