Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize