i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
