So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
