Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
