It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
