so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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