I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
