Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
