Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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