please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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