Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
