And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
