Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
