Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
