I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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