I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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