I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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