Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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