I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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