remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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