Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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