I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
